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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.06.30  22.57 The Moth Moments left in June, my final full month of being single by law. The wedding is less than three weeks away, and maybe it's normal for someone to start getting nervous at this point... but I'm not. I'm more preoccupied with thoughts of my sub-optimal professional life. As for Lauren, I'm pretty sure I realized I was going to spend the rest of my life with her around the start of last year, when I broke off our relationship and immediately found myself completely lost without her. You don't throw that sense of completion and certainty away. So now I'm marrying her! That means marrying into her family as well, and that's a whole 'nother issue, which has also been exceptionally stressful lately. But these are the things that make a life, I suppose. My plan is to go back to school in the fall - most likely CMU, if the advisor would get back to me, because MSU is $8.5k a semester and that's a little absurd - and pursue a math teaching degree, while still doing some subbing and hopefully continuing to derive sporadic income from poker to help me carry my weight. If something else comes up that looks better, I'll do that. I've put some feelers out, but it's not looking good in this state's economy. Mostly I just want to come a little closer to fulfilling my potential, whatever that means. I feel like I've become a little more cynical and distrustful of people in the last couple years. It crept in. I'm still naive in practice sometimes, but my thoughts have turned considerably darker too often. The solution to this, as with many other problems, is to fix my eyes on Jesus. I am terrible at that. Mood: blank Music: James Blunt "High"

	2009.06.30  12.14 Fire + Water This guy illustrates why nobody ever wants to play anything with me: Real entry to follow soon, I hope. Mood: amused Music: whatever's playing in the video

	2009.06.05  21.11 Greatest Hits Ongoing Vegas trip report here. Haven't had any luck, but have had a great time (link contains pics). Also, got mentioned in the official WSOP updates - bottom entry on this page. Going back to Lauren... I mean, home... in 3 days. Mood: okay Music: Elton John "Tiny Dancer"

	2009.05.26  21.24 A back massage Got through the engagement photo shoot with Lauren today and it wasn't too bad. She took me for sushi afterward, which was nice. It's looking like I will be able to play in two WSOP events again this year - next week, actually. I'm pretty excited about that. Assuming Jason and I can come to a reasonable staking agreement, I'll be flying out Monday to stay in the house he and his friends are renting and play in Event 7 on Tuesday. After a couple nights there, I'm staying with a guy named Steve from Florida (I've talked to him online for a few years) at the Rio and he'll be backing me in Event 11. I actually haven't booked my flight yet, but I'm probably going to do that tomorrow. Trip should be about a week. Everything's really busy right now. Around August I think things will calm down a little bit. Mood: thoughtful Music: Death Cab For Cutie "Brothers on a Hotel Bed"

	2009.05.23  00.44 Angel wings Lauren told me I don't seem as happy as I used to be. I told her life is more complicated now. Mood: irritable Music: The Lonely Island feat. T-Pain "I'm on a Boat"

	2009.05.13  13.10 Beer cans and cigarette butts on the ground Things are a little better today. I stayed up late talking with Lauren, reminiscing about some of our college memories, about what a good friend she was before she was my girlfriend. Reminded me why I'm marrying her. Two Plus Two ultimately re-instated my custom title, which was nice of them. I think they understand that my intention was to entertain rather than self-promote. I'll be more careful in the future. And I'm working today and tomorrow, which is good for me. Mood: better Music: Jimmy Kimmel & Dominic Monaghan "Lost Theme Song"

	2009.05.12  22.08 Logs placed as seats around a bonfire I've had a rough couple of days. The two main things have been the roommate situation - just when I thought it couldn't get any worse - and the Two Plus Two Pokercast that Jason and I attempted to make. The roommate situation has been ridiculous. I've mostly been ignoring Donald and his loud friends (except for occasionally asking them to keep it down when I'm trying to sleep on my uncomfortable air mattress), because he's friendly enough and he pays the bills on time. And now, those things are apparently over. Fidel (the good roommate) tells me that Donald has not paid his rent and is not responding to calls. Here's the text message back-and-forth, only profanity removed. Me: You need to pay your rent and late fees immediately Him: Shut the f--- up talking to me like I'm ur kid I don't give a f--- what u have to say Him: I'm going to pay it I already talked to aleida so please refrain from talking to me about s--- Me: Donald, pay your bills on time and keep your loud friends out of my apartment while i'm here. do not talk to me that way. Him: Don't worry about what I do, I will do whatever the f--- I want and I will be as loud as I want to be, I don't like u and I don't have to, I'm not ur kid bro Him: I'm not ur kid, ur friend, or even ur assoicate and u can't tell me what I can or can not do so f--- u Him: I'm going to pay the s---, it has nothing to do with u, I have an agreement with aleida, not u Me: No, you are an undocumented squatter in my apartment, and if you can't behave civilly you will no longer be welcome. Him: Uhh ok f--- u I'm out then I will come get my s--- today Only Aleida talked to him, and he is not out. Someone has to pay her portion of the rent, you see. Certainly I could get rid of him, but I would be shooting Aleida, Fidel (who I like), and myself (who I also like) in our collective foot. So for now I have a mentally unbalanced, violent (heard him angrily throwing things before while on the phone, did not say anything) black (obv should not be relevant, but with all the basketball social problems I've been having lately... I know, it sucks, and I must be the horrible one) man who is angry with me in my place of living. Yeah, I locked my door on the way out. The other issue, the Pokercast, isn't so bad I guess. My perception of things has been negatively colored by the first problem. I listen to a show called the Two Plus Two Pokercast, and they were taking a week off this week. This being a characteristic of mine that occasionally shows itself, I decided to do a show in their stead. Drafting Jason into my plan, we put a pretty decent show together. Upon posting it in my beloved forums, though, I was told it had to be run by the lawyers before it could go public. I decided in the meantime to private message (PM) the show to about 30 people - those who had expressed interest in hearing a show this week, and some of the well-established regulars. Not a good idea. I was given infraction points and had my custom title (which I waited a long time for) removed, for PM spam. Ultimately, the show did get posted by the regular hosts, albeit a version with the copied material censored. I was hurt by the punishment, though. On the bright side, all feedback I've received about the show has been positive. Additionally, substitute jobs are becoming really hard to come by as the school year comes to a close. I don't know if I'm going to have a job this summer. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job helping to plan for the wedding. I just have this general feeling that I'm in way over my head in life as a whole. ...Maybe this is a feeling I've always had. Mood: depressed Music: Dr. Horrible "Everyone's a Hero"

	2009.04.29  20.21 Your choices are half chance; so are everyone else's Am I the only one who suspects that the recent "swine flu" pandemic is in fact the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?! Mood: blank Music: Coldplay "Swallowed in the Sea"

	2009.04.25  00.27 Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good When the wind picked up the fire spread And the grapevines seemed left for dead And the Northern sky looked like the end of days The end of days The wake-up call to a rented room Sounded like an alarm of impending doom To warn us it's only a matter of time Before we all burn Before we all burn Before we all burn Before we all burn We bought some wine and some paper cups Near your daughters school when we picked her up And drove to a cemetery on a hill On a hill And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray But she laughed and danced through the field of graves And there I knew it would be alright That everything would be alright Would be alright Would be alright Would be alright And the news reports on the radio Said it was getting worse As the ocean air fanned the flames But I couldn't think Of anywhere I would of rather been To watch it all burn away To burn away And the firemen worked in double shifts With prayers for rain on their lips And they knew it was only a matter of time Mood: spacy Music: Death Cab For Cutie "Grapevine Fires"

	2009.04.21  22.01 Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on I went to the MSU men's glee club concert tonight. It was a different experience, since it was the first time I've ever been an audience member rather than a singer. I got rather wistful for my college days as they were singing some of the sadder songs. It's really not fair: College is an overwhelmingly social time, but eventually they make you leave. Who do I even talk to from college on a semi-regular basis anymore? Lauren, Gunder, Fran, Jason, Sean... I'm sure I'm missing a couple, but even so, that's a pretty shabby list. I really loved having lots of people around 24/7, and there's not a substitute for that as far as I know. Maybe a full-time, regular job, but I did that for a little while at Auto-Owners and it wasn't anything approaching the same. I think I got emotionally addicted in those four and a half years, and it might be another one of those things I never quite get over. Things I go back to in my lonely moments. I do have a tendency to romanticize the past, idiot though it may make me. Less than three months until Lauren and I are married. Things have been going well between us, which is evidenced by me not coming on here to whine about it very often. Then again, since she'd just read it anyway, I probably still wouldn't do so... so you'll just have to take my word for it. We met our mentor couple a few days ago, Jeff and Barb, and they seem very cool. I've been a little bit of a reality show junkie since the first season of Survivor, and it's really kicked into overdrive since I'm able to download whatever I want to watch without commercials. My current fix is simultaneously Survivor, last season's The Biggest Loser, and I Love Money. Quite a spectrum, that. Mood: quixotic Music: The Postal Service "Grow Old With Me"

	2009.04.18  01.23 Floss And now, the funniest frickin' thing on the internet: Mood: ohhh man Music: this clip

	2009.04.09  12.57 Be kind to your knees; you'll miss them when they're gone John Campbell delivers again: Mood: good Music: The Muppets "Movin' Right Along"

	2009.04.07  20.43 Do one thing every day that scares you I need to figure out something to make IM East basketball more bearable. I can't get picked up at all in the good game, but when I try the lesser game, I'm just frustrated more often than not. All I want is a group of people near or above my skill level who will let me run and give me at least the respect I deserve. The grade school students in the Lansing area are on spring break this week, so I decided to spend a few days at Gunder's place. However, now that I find out that there's little reliable internet to be had here (for poker in particular), I wonder how long I'll truly last...! At least there is some interesting video gaming in our immediate future. The World Series of Poker trip is 50/50 at this point. I might have a guy who's willing to put up a couple grand to stake me, which would afford me one event and a couple satellites - worth going for, so that would be great. Jason might be willing to partially back me, but I don't know if that's happening and he doesn't offer a great premium most of the time. Alternately, if I manage to get my Stars account to 4k, I might be able to fund a trip directly. All of those chances together add up to about 50%... if somehow all three of them can come through, that would be ideal. Keep your heads up, Spartans. National runner-up is damned impressive, even if we will always be underdogs. Mood: apprehensive Music: Weird Al Yankovic "Fat"

	2009.03.29  02.14 Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Didn't end up going to the basketball game(s) I had tickets for today, but I had a great time with Amy and some comedy people at the improv show. Kerry's (our paths have often been parallel but never crossed until tonight) group, Albatross out of Chicago, was one of my favorites. I had lots of laughs and it felt good, made me think maybe I've been in improv withdrawal. I was struck by a sudden impulse to try to get into a group again. But sadly, I fear those days may be behind me. Even so, it was a great night, and I want to hang out with Amy more. Tomorrow hopefully I win the two big poker tournaments I'm playing in, and then I will not be brokeski. Also, I'd really like the Spartans to make the Final Four and continue Izzo's legacy. It's our destiny... Mood: good Music: bass music the neighbor is playing

	2009.03.26  18.57 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Additionally, this: "There are so many board games, with so many different names. I think they should all have the same name: 'Which One of My Friends Is a Competitive Prick?'" -Demetri Martin Not getting the respect I feel I deserve at basketball. Feeling apprehensive about this insurance sales thing. Feeling broke and unsuccessful in general, but Lauren loving me helps. Cool stuff going on this weekend - HS basketball championship game, improv festival with Amy, big poker tournaments, Sweet 16 and Elite 8 basketball on TV (gogogo MSU!). Mood: fat Music: Weird Al Yankovic "Fat"

	2009.03.16  01.16 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. So I was in Indianapolis over the weekend, and the Spartans pulled their usual Big Ten tournament disappointment act and lost to Ohio State in the second round. We're a 2 seed in the Big Dance, and I personally project us as an Elite Eight team - if we play well. We sure didn't this weekend. The trip was a pretty good time, though. Lauren and I spent time with Gunder today, and that was excellent. I went with Josh to see Watchmen Saturday night, and it was deeper than I expected. I can briefly put it as a study of twisted morality, and it was at once disturbing, enthralling, and entertaining. I think Wikipedia stated it well here: With Watchmen, Alan Moore's intention was to create four or five "radically opposing ways" to perceive the world and to give readers of the story the privilege of determining which one was most morally comprehensible. Moore did not believe in the notion of "[cramming] regurgitated morals" down the readers' throats and instead sought to show heroes in an ambivalent light. Moore said, "What we wanted to do was show all of these people, warts and all. Show that even the worst of them had something going for them, and even the best of them had their flaws." I think I'm a Rorschach guy myself. I think I want to own this movie later. The story and the way it is told are very unique, and many times I like that. Mood: awake Music: Incredibad "D--- in a Box"

	2009.03.10  10.39 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. More sports talk! This time from Two Plus Two's sports forum, the Big Ten discussion thread. I'm really looking forward to the Big Ten tournament this year, and I'll be there with my dad and brother to cheer on the Spartans... hopefully they won't disappoint like the last few years. Here's the way I see it going: Thursday: Minnesota over Northwestern Michigan over Iowa Penn State over Indiana No surprises here. I think the closest game will be PSU vs. Indiana, who will have a bigtime HCA but doesn't have the talent to put a complete game together just yet. Thursday will end their season. All three bubble teams will stay in the hunt, which is good for the conference. Friday: MSU over Minnesota Wisconsin over Ohio State Michigan over Illinois Purdue over Penn State One upset pick today, in favor of Michigan. Illinois has been over-achieving (playing better than the talent they've got), and U of M is an explosive team that will be hungry for a certain NCAA berth. Plus, all the Indiana fans are sure to be rooting for the maize and blue. I think Wisconsin wins over Ohio State in a laugher, and puts their tournament hopes in question. Saturday: MSU over Wisconsin Purdue over Michigan Anyone really think it won't be MSU-Purdue in the final? They're clearly the two best Big Ten teams and have been the whole season, even though Illinois has accomplished a lot. I think both these games will be close, though, probably decided by fewer than 10. Sunday: MSU over Purdue Should be a great tiebreaker to offer the Spartans some closure in the conference before moving onto the big stage. ----- My choice for Big Ten POTY is Talor Battle. He's clearly the most valuable individual for any single team, and he's taken Penn State from a bottom-of-the-barrel team to being in the NCAA tournament discussion, surprising almost everybody. I can't in good conscience pick a Spartan for this award, because it's always such a team effort and several players have stepped into a key role on different nights. Kalin Lucas has been a good leader (most of the time), but in terms of importance to a team, it has to be Battle. DeShawn Sims gets consideration for runner-up. ----- NCAA tournament bids, my take: MSU - IN as the highest 2 seed. Hopefully Memphis gets the lowest 1 seed (or it's the other way around) and we can get some Elite Eight revenge on them from last year. Purdue - IN as a 4 seed. They've waned a bit lately, but making the BTT final (as teams in tougher conferences fall) should help their seeding. Illinois - IN as a 6 seed. The committee should come up with this based on their body of work. A 5 is asking for a bit much IMO (but it's just as well, as a 5 is more rife for an upset, historically). Wisconsin - IN as a 10 seed. I think that, given their strong showing down the stretch, they will get the 4th Big Ten bid. Michigan - IN as a 10 seed. They've played their way in, and the win over Minnesota proved it. They'll fall to an 11 or 12 if they lose to Iowa Thursday, but they are still solidly in. Ohio State - IN as an 11 seed. They've got mediocre numbers, but so does everyone else in the country. Their quality wins seem to do just enough to make up for their slip-ups. (And don't think they won't get any consideration for winning the NIT last year after getting the NCAA snub.) Minnesota - OUT. Assuming they lose to Michigan again on Friday, that is. Win that, and they probably make it in. Their 16-0 start is a distant memory. Sidenote: Remember Blake Hoffarber's miracle shot against Indiana in the Big Ten tournament last year? Yeah. I lost a lot of money on that shot. Penn State - OUT. Interesting how their record is the opposite of Minnesota's - great in conference, terrible out of it. They would have had it if only they had held off Iowa. But as Mark Schlabach pointed out, Iowa crushed their dreams of a national championship game in football, and now they may have crushed their chance at a ticket to the Big Dance in basketball. PSU fans have a lot of reason to hate Iowa now. I believe the only way they make it in is to beat Purdue on Friday (but don't look past that Indiana game on Thursday). Northwestern - OUT. The win over Purdue was a nice prize for them, but the only way they get an at-large bid is a miracle run to the final game (and maybe not even then). Stranger things have happened (see Minnesota vs. Illinois last year). Mood: working Music: A Goofy Movie "After Today"

	2009.03.09  18.53 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Sports talk! Cross-posted from ESPN.com: Okay, I can't believe there are still people out there who are disrespecting Memphis after what they did last year. They were the national runner-up. That means that, unless your team last year was Kansas, they did better than your team. Saying that losing in the title game isn't an accomplishment makes you look very foolish. Memphis isn't quite as good as they were last year, but they're still over-achieving and will be a tough out. That said, I can't wait to see what Michigan State does from here on. It's really looking like a grudge-match tour. Check this out: Big Ten Tournament: MSU v. Michigan (in-state rivalry) MSU v. Penn State (beat the Spartans at the Breslin) MSU v. Purdue (tiebreaker after they embarassed the Spartans at home, but fell on the road) If MSU wins all three of these games, they are almost certainly the highest 2 seed or the lowest 1 seed (depending on what the teams ahead of them do). That should put them in a bracket with 1 or 2 seed Memphis (UConn or Pitt will likely slip below them due to a BE tournament loss). Make it far enough, and we have an Elite 8 matchup: MSU v. Memphis (embarassed the Spartans in the Sweet 16 last year) Win that, and it's probably going to be: MSU v. North Carolina (embarassed the Spartans in Detroit earlier this year) The Spartans have been playing their best ball going into the tournament, and this scenario is plausible given all the parity in the country. I would love to see an MSU vs. UNC semi-final or final. I'm going to the Big Ten tournament on Friday with Dad and Josh, by the way. We're kind of flying blind when it comes to actual tickets, though. (-: In other news, I successfully interviewed to be an insurance agent (independent contractor, like every other thing I do) for Aflac last week. I'm taking an online class, and if I pass the state exam I start training in April. Edit: However, like everyone else on ESPN.com who doesn't get paid, my sports talk is mostly dumb. The Big Ten bracket has changed and MSU will actually be playing Minnesota, Wisconsin/Ohio State, and then probably Purdue in the final. Ahhh durrrr! I'm disappointed... I liked the way I set it up better. Mood: good Music: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang "The Roses of Success"

	2009.03.03  22.48 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Someone on the Two Plus Two Poker Forums made this video about me and Lauren, based on comments I have made on the boards. Pretty awesome. JDLade (10:42:59 PM): I want someone to make a flash funny thing about me Mood: amused Music: Feist & Ben Gibbard "The Train Song"

	2009.03.02  02.32 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 2:30 A.M. here and I just had to cancel my sub job tomorrow 'cause I can't sleep. Could it be because... A) Roommate came in with friends and made lots of noise in the wee hours of the morning. B) Bed is an air mattress on the floor, which is less than comfortable. C) I feel lonely, broke, out of shape, unsuccessful, and generally wretched. or D) all of the above. If you chose D, you got 100%. Bonus points if you knew I also had half a Mr. Goodbar with dinner (though how'd you know that...?) which might be messing with my system. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. Things with Lauren are generally going well... we started marriage classes today. Also I'm going with my dad and brother to the Big Ten tournament in two weeks (Spartans clinched the regular season title today with a win over Illinois) and hanging out with Gunder soon. And Resident Evil 5 comes out March 13th. Okay but so yeah life isn't bad. Just right now I kind of wish the church hadn't made me move out of Lauren's place, seeing as how I'd be asleep now and working tomorrow like a productive member of society. Maybe even getting my Bible reading and prayer life back on track, because they are DERAILED, son. Red eyes for me in the morning. Why does this stupid floor creak so much when people walk around? Mood: tired Music: Frontier Ruckus "The Latter Days"

	2009.02.28  00.32 Make you cry Fantastic song that is pretty local, so you probably haven't heard it: This isn't quite as good as the studio version I've heard on the Impact (which is a duet), but the singer's unique vocal talent is 100% there. It has under a hundred views at this moment. Share it with your friends. Mood: good Music: Frontier Ruckus "The Latter Days"

	2009.02.18  22.54 Desert you So I'm back from sunny Florida. I got to ride some roller coasters (with little wait, one of the few benefits of a down economy), got a considerable amount of sun, went swimming, visited some relatives I haven't seen in too long, and got some good pictures. All in all, a solid trip, but I am more than a little happy to be back with Lauren. If you haven't read Paradise Zero yet - a superhero communal fiction with shades of noir that Jon, Chad, Jon's friend Keith, and I have been working on - please check it out. Marirose read it during the trip and enjoyed it enough to draw several of the characters we created. She's very talented and it was cool to see our work come to life. They're pictured below. ( Don't you want to read a story with characters this cool? ) Mood: accomplished Music: Death Cab for Cutie "Different Names for the Same Thing"

	2009.02.14  20.14 Run around So I'm in Florida at the moment, working over one of the slowest internet connections I've seen this century. I'd love to find a wireless connection with my laptop and hijack it one way or another, but as the Sarasota population is mainly old people and people on vacation, there is virtually no hope of that happening. Certainly not from within these confines... On the bright side, this gives me a chance to work on the next chapter of our (Jon, Chad, Keith, and me) communal fiction and flex my creative muscles a bit. Chapter 15 is going to be a long one that tries to do a lot... I hope everybody enjoys it. Mom, Marirose, and I were at Universal Studios yesterday, which was fun, but... ah, cheap thrills aren't what they used to be. Sometimes I have a hard time minding my own business and respecting the privacy of strangers... a few days with my mother reminds me where I acquired that trait. I try to be nice to her, though. She certainly deserves that. Today we saw a musical version of "Some Like It Hot" at the Golden Apple Theater (where I've been twice before), and one of the actors was the voice of LeFou in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, in addition to it being an entertaining play. We'll be kicking around here until Tuesday, enjoying the nice weather and probably being bored, then we travel north of Tampa for that day to visit with our sickly second cousin Rick, who I haven't seen in years. Then it's back home late at night, and I get to crawl back into Lauren's arms and wrap a blanket of tasty technology around myself to boot. Complacent? Who's complacent... I've been thinking lately that I'm not as emotional these days as I used to be. I don't know why, but I don't feel like I care about things as much as I used to. Mood: meh Music: Switchfoot "You Already Take Me There"

	2009.02.07  14.32 Let you down HOW 'BOUT THEM THERE ELECTRONIC NEWSPAPERS? Mood: amused Music: Meatloaf "Anything For Love"

	2009.02.04  12.53 Give you up So I guess I left my last entry off on a bit of a cliffhanger. I didn't actually end up getting evicted; that's just one of the tactics DTN uses to get people to do their bidding. We have a relatively stable situation going on now (finally), though one of my new roommates, Donald, is pretty loud. I've refereed a couple games and have another one tomorrow. It's nice, if you like coaches being really mad at you. I'm heading to Florida with my mom and sister next Thursday. I screwed up and agreed to go on the trip over Valentine's Day, so I've got some making up to do. Mood: tired Music: Gym Class Heroes "Cupid's Chokehold"